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MAKING EFFECTIVE REVISIONS: TIMID PHRASING (Series, Post 2)

12/15/2019

An editor will point out and encourage you to correct all instances of timid phrasing. If you are self-editing, you must do this yourself. Weak prose tells the story, holds the reader away from the immediacy of the experience. Timid phrasing leads to wordiness, which most readers dislike.

Overuse of forms of to be (is, are, was, were) also lead to wordiness. Long, convoluted passages rife with compound sentences turn away most readers.

The verb “be” is comprised of eight forms:

Base form: be
Present tense: am and are
Present tense: being
Past tense: was and were
Past participle: been

“Was” and “were” are verbs that are called “subjunctives.”

Subjunctive verbs are words that (in the English language) are used to form sentences that do not describe known objective facts. They indicate possibilities only. Something might be or it might not.

New writers frequently guess at how to use “was” and “were,” and in doing so, guess wrong.

There are times when we use a form of the verb ‘was’ even though the subject of the sentence has not yet happened or may not happen at all. This is the past subjunctive verb form. It is unreal and may remain that way. “If I were.”

Consider the song from Fiddler on the Roof: If I Were a Rich Man. As I am a woman and intent on remaining so, I will never be a rich man. As I am an author and intent on remaining so, I will never be rich. So, for me, that song title contains two impossibilities. “If I were” is the correct subjunctive mood.

When you are supposing about something that might be true, you use a form of the verb “was” and don’t sweat it.

If it’s likely real: Was (possibly is) I heard he was training his dog to fetch.
If it’s likely unreal: Were (possibly isn’t) If I were a penguin, I wouldn’t need to rent a tuxedo.

To avoid wordiness, use action words (verbs) in place of forms of to be. In active prose, our characters don’t begin (start) to move. Instead, they move. They act as opposed to beginning or starting to act.

That and which are two commonly misused words. When it comes to eliminating the word “that,” it’s crucial you look at each instance of how it is used. Sometimes, “that” is the only word for a given situation.

Something you need to know: “that” and “which” are not interchangeable, so you can’t just use a global search to change every instance of "that" to "which."

“That” is a pronoun used to identify a specific person or thing observed by the speaker, a determiner, an adverb, and a conjunction.

"That’s his dog on the curb." (Identifier)
"Look at that red car." (Determiner)
"I wouldn’t go that far." (Adverb)
"She claimed that she was married." (Conjunction)

In the case of number 4 (above), the sentence would be stronger without it.

“Which” is a pronoun asking for information. It specifies one or more people (or things) from a particular set, and it is also a determiner:

"Which are the best diapers for newborns?" (Pronoun)
"I’m looking at a particular house, which is for sale on Black Lake." (Determiner)

Go lightly with “which” and “that” but use them when they are required.
LIST OF TIMID WORDS TO WATCH FOR. Do a global search and examine each instance. Eliminate or rewrite to make active:

All forms of To be
Basically
Too many emdashes
Exclamation points (usually not needed)
Finally
I think
-ing (do a global search and examine each instance. Change to make active if possible.)
Its / it’s (its: Possessive form of it / it’s: contraction of it is)
–ize –ization (do a global search and examine each instance. Change to make active if possible.)
Just
Like
-ly (do a global search and examine each instance. Change to make active if possible.)
Now
Okay
Only
Really
Said (decide if speech tags can be eliminated and shown by actions)
Seem
Still
Suddenly
That (often not needed)
The
Then (often not needed)
There was (a subjunctive)
–tion (global search)
Very (usually not needed)
Which (not a substitute for ‘that’)

In the second draft, I look at words like “went.” In my personal writing habits, “went” is a code word that tells me when a scene is ending and transitioning to another scene.

In fact, all info dumps, passive phrasing, and timid words are codes for the author, laid down in the first draft.

Clunky phrasing and info dumps are signals telling me what I intend that scene to be. In the rewrite, I must expand on those ideas and ensure the prose is active. I must cut some of the info and allow the reader to use their imagination.

Often, these rough passages indicate transitions from one scene to the next. The characters or their circumstances are undergoing a change. One scene is ending, and another is beginning.

For example, when I see the word “went,” I immediately know someone goes somewhere. But “went” is a bald telling word.

I ask myself, “How did they go?” Went can be shown as a scene:

they walked (to the next room, or down the street, or to Mordor.)
they drove (a car, a wagon, a spaceship.)
they rode (a horse, donkey, motorcycle, or dragon.)
they took a plane (bus, ferry, space shuttle, or sleeping pill.)
they teleported (vanished into the ether)

You get the idea. In the rewrite, I find the “telling” paragraphs that connect my dramatic scenes together and decide what will stay and what should be cut. If the necessary information requires a paragraph, I have to consider how to rewrite it so that it is interesting and not a mind-numbing wall of words.

If you notice a few flaws in your manuscript in your final pass but think no one will be bothered by them, you’re wrong. Readers always notice the things that stop their eyes.

In my own work, I have discovered that if a passage seems flawed, but I can’t identify what is wrong with it, my eye wants to skip it.

Revising the first draft is a long, complicated process. The few pointers I have offered in this post are just the tip of the iceberg that is your manuscript. Eliminating timid phrasing is only part of the quest for an enjoyable manuscript.

The next post will appear on January 1, 2020, and will cover ways to make verb placement your tool for creating active prose.

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Connie J. Jasperson is a published poet and the author of nine novels. Her work has appeared in numerous anthologies. A founding member of Myrddin Publishing Group, she can be found blogging regularly on both the craft of writing and art history at Life in the Realm of Fantasy.

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MAKING EFFECTIVE REVISIONS: PUNCTUATION (Series, Post 1)

12/1/2019

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Indie authors are financially responsible for getting their manuscript revised, edited, and proof-read. This can be a costly process as freelance editors are working for a living and expect to be paid for their work. A 70,000 word manuscript can cost from around $700.00 or more to have edited, depending on the services you want.

If you can, it’s a good idea to hire an editor because our eyes may skip typos and autocorrect errors in our own work. When we read what we have written, we are immersed in visualizing the scene. Some errors will be missed no matter how hard we try to edit our work because our eyes see what is supposed to be there, rather than the typos or missing words.

Many editors offer a service called “Beta Reading” at a much more affordable price. Beta reads are helpful in identifying areas you may want to revise.

If you’re a member of a writers’ group, you have a resource of people who will “beta read” for you at no cost. As a member of that critique group, you will read for them too, so be careful how you phrase your comments on their work. Be accurate and find positive things to point out as well as areas that need work. If you are harsh and dismissive, your work will receive that treatment in return.

Regardless, if you are publishing that work, you are responsible for making the line edits in your work.

If you are unable to afford a full professional edit, there is a way to make a pretty good stab at revising your own manuscript, but it is time consuming, which is why an editor’s services are not cheap.

Open your Manuscript. Break your manuscript into separate chapters, and make sure each is clearly and consistently labeled. Make sure the chapter numbers are in the proper sequence, and that they don’t skip a number. For a work in progress, Baron’s Hollow, I labeled my chapter files this way:

BH_ch_1
BH_ch_2

Print out the first chapter. Everything looks different printed out, and you will see many things you don’t notice on the computer screen.
Turn to the last page. Cover the page, leaving only the last paragraph visible.
Starting with the last paragraph on the last page, begin reading, working your way forward.
With a yellow highlighter, mark each place that needs correction.

TO BEGIN MAKING GOOD REVISIONS YOU MUST KNOW YOUR BASIC RULES OF GRAMMAR.

First, if you aren’t going to hire an editor, you should consider investing in Bryan A. Garner’s Chicago Guide to Grammar, Usage, and Punctuation. This is a resource with all the answers for questions you might have regarding grammar and sentence structure.

The basic rules of grammar are like traffic signals.

They regulate the flow of our words, making our sentences understandable. A professional author will make a stab at learning a few rules regarding punctuation and will apply them to their work.

It doesn’t require perfection, but people who don’t think the common rules matter are doing their work and their reputation a disservice. Readers want to enjoy the book, not struggle through rambling, garbled sentences.

Simple Rules for Common Punctuation:

Commas: Never insert commas “where you take a breath” because everyone breathes differently.

Do not insert commas where you think it should pause, because every reader sees the pauses differently. DO USE COMMAS TO:

Use commas to separate independent clauses when they are joined by any of these seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet. Good: My dog has fleas, and he needs to go to the vet.
Do not join dependent clauses to independent clauses with commas. Good: My dog has fleas and needs to go to the vet.

We like people to understand exactly what we mean, so we ALWAYS use the Oxford Comma, also known as the Serial Comma. If there are only two things (or ideas) in a list, they do not need to be separated by a comma. I like dogs and birds.

If there are more than two ideas, the comma should be used as it would be used in a list. I like dogs, cats, rabbits, and birds.

Semicolons: Semicolons are NOT extra-firm pauses; they are connectors. Join two short but related sentences this way:

(WRONG) Mary is dating John; the Dairy Queen is open until eight. (The two sentences have no relation to each other.)
(RIGHT) Mary is working until eight but the busses aren’t running; John will drive her home. (The sentences pertain directly to each other.)

Avoid comma splices at all cost. Use conjunctions or semicolons to join related independent clauses, not commas.

COMMA SPLICE (BAD): My dog has fleas, he needs to go to the vet.
PROPER JOINING of two complete sentences with semicolon: My dog has fleas; he needs to go to the vet.

Colons are used in technical manuals. They can denote lists but are never to be used in the literary narrative:

To use the typewriter:

Insert paper into feeder
Make sure ribbon is installed correctly
For best effect, use even keystrokes

Question Marks: Always use one question mark at the end of an interrogative sentences (a question). “Would you like to go dancing?” It goes inside the quotation marks.

Exclamation Marks: These are “power punctuation” and should be used sparingly. They are used for emphasis when the narrative doesn’t express excitement or other intensity well enough. Used to freely, the narrative becomes breathless! Painful! Too much, even!

Interrobang (?!) NEVER USE TWO punctuations at the end of a sentence. The interrobang is not an accepted form of punctuation in anything but comic books. The narrative should show the reader that the protagonist is shocked and confused.

Dialogue and Quotation Marks: ALL punctuation in dialogue goes INSIDE the quotation marks:

“Hello,” said the man at the door. “Can I interest you in a new product? I’m selling Corbie Brand Cleaners.”

The Ellipsis is NOT Punctuation. It is a symbol showing where words have been omitted. The ellipsis requires punctuation the same as if it were the words it symbolizes, even if it is at the end of a sentence of dialogue. Bryan A. Garner, on page 396 of The Chicago Guide to Grammar, Usage, and Punctuation lists five uses and two misuses of the ellipsis.

First, we’ll talk about the uses, listed with examples on page 396.

Use an ellipsis when an unfinished sentence trails off.
Use an ellipsis to signal rumination, musing, or hesitant continuation of thought.
Use three ellipsis dots to signal that you’ve omitted one or more words within a sentence you are quoting.
Use four dots—an ellipsis and a period—when you’ve omitted one or more words at the end of a sentence. A space goes before the first ellipsis dot.
Use four dots—an ellipsis and a period—when you’ve omitted material within a quoted sentence, but the quotation continues. No space goes before the first dot (the period).

On page 398, Garner lists two misuses.

Don’t use the ellipsis dots without the equivalent of a letter space between each pair, and don’t allow the string of dots to be split between consecutive lines.
Don’t begin a quotation with an ellipsis.

Now that you have a quick reference guide to basic punctuation, the next posts will deal with the nuts and bolts of the self-editing process. You will learn how to spot passive phrasing, eliminate inadvertent repetition, correct grammar, and ensuring consistency.

Self-editing is not an easy task. It is highly rewarding, though, to put out your best product possible. Over the next few posts, NIWA will give you the tools to make your work as literate and easy to read as possible.

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Connie J. Jasperson is a published poet and the author of nine novels. Her work has appeared in numerous anthologies. A founding member of Myrddin Publishing Group, she can be found blogging regularly on both the craft of writing and art history at Life in the Realm of Fantasy.

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MAKING EFFECTIVE REVISIONS: TIMID PHRASING (Series, Post 2)

MAKING EFFECTIVE REVISIONS: PUNCTUATION (Series, Post 1)

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